A Late Admission.

I'm really, I mean terribly, bad at admitting things. I can never admit I am wrong, or admit failing. I can never admit fault, or that I just can't do something. If you have doubts, my sister, or anyone who knows me well, can definitely attest to this failing to own up to my wrongs. This is something I am having to come to terms with, in the constant campaign to try and stop being so stoic. Being stoic can be good, but I'm not a good stoic.

Recently, I've been hit really hard with this failure to admit. Working with others can be... frustrating, to say the least. I'm really not a team player. (I'm working on this. It's hard for me). I do my best work alone, or maybe with one other person to toss ideas around with. When I work by myself, I'm "always" right. So, it is in these group situations where I feel the highest need to be right all the time and the stoicism sets in. As far as my ego is concerned, I am literally never wrong. That's what's nice about opinions, you aren't wrong. Maybe that is why I have such strong opinions... hmmm that is something worth considering. Back to the point though, I just cannot find the respect and humbleness in my heart to just say, you got me, I was wrong. You just don't want to entertain the thought that you aren't the smartest guy in the room. Everyone thinks in different ways, so intelligence can be hard to judge, but you can't help but thinking that your brand of intelligence is more, well, intelligent. So this leads to not admitting things. This happens very frequently. I can rectify my actions in my mind, but there is no way to express feeling bad about being a jerk except for not being a jerk. In my mind, I feel bad about being a bad person at times, but no one knows the tumultuous thoughts, just the actions. My actions need to speak truthfully.

This late admission is something long coming. Being wrong sucks. No one likes to not be the smartest one in the room, but the thing is, you usually aren't the smartest guy in the room. Deal with it. I'm struggling in that respect, but maybe with a little more humble, and a little less self centered/serving attitude, this can be achieved. I admit (in a late fashion), to being a snob.